Makes you wonder why his wife said what she said. What's difficult to understand is how any sort of contextualization for what she said would change things. I'm over her, but the emotional stress that put me thru I will likely never recover from. I dont mean that shes justified, what she said absolutely deserves divorce, I just meant she sounded like she had something to say and I was wondering if OP heard her out or ended a 20 year marriage without a conversation. Sometimes we say things in the moment that we don't mean and that can really hurt people but I encourage OP to look at what he does have. Unless there are other reasons, seems to me like an extreme reaction. In part because her thoughts were genuine and she told me as much when I didn't accept her trying to walk them back. I'm not sure if that's worth throwing away over a comment that she appears to regret deeply. Is it me or is this guy not only over dramatic about the situation but something seems fishy with his comments? This may be the case but it doesn't mean she doesn't love him. Thats deeper and so much better than any excitement. So instead of fighting those thoughts that would end your 20 year marriage, you surrender. You've still got lots of life to live. Seriously. Wishing you all the happiness that a new road can bring! This added info makes the world of difference. I feel the same way about my wife, she is the best person I know, I appreciate every moment with her, but if she ever says that, it would all be over in an instant, I think your wife / husband should be your best friend, lover, the person that you trust the most, maybe other people have other opinions on this, but at the end of the day, the OP have the right to decide if this is worth a divorce and I think it's perfectly understandable. Challenge yourself to entertain her but be honest with yourself. In fact, I had already started seeing my now husband for about a month when things ended with the exciting guy. Also want to add: it's extremely normal for people who are bored with their relationship (even when they're not bored) to fantasize about other options they had in the past or have now. Coincidence that their kids are 19 and 21 and he overhears this? I hope things turn out for the best, whatever that may be. But she was openly saying this to her friend on the phone and he over heard it. I don't think you are being entirely honest with us and yourself. I believe wholeheartedly in communication but theres no fixing this.

Why marry someone and spend decades with them if they dont make you happy? But what I struggled to accept was that i was brainwashed for 20 years and living my life based on a lie. I've caught myself thinking back fondly on things that I know damn well were miserable, heartbreaking experiences! This is a great comment & that was my first impression as well. Breaking up sucks, no matter what the reasons. It's a bunch of teenagers and college kids being self-righteous, and not taking any time to actually empathize with the situation, or consider alternate, less radical, angles. These fake stories are all the same. If it was the other way around people would b like omg leave his ass ASAP, Finally someone who speaks my language. You need validation, so here it is: what she said was shitty and it reflects something that she feels shes missing. There's not much else going on at all, she wants Tom and not her husband, she wants excitement and doesn't find it in her husband, she wouldn't be with her husband if Tom was serious with her Those things pretty much invalidate anything else that is said. She probably doesnt miss Tom, she just misses how she used to be, misses excitement. Note: I wrote could save his marriage. Even if you choose to reconcile, you need to understand the hard edges of any decision you might make. The fucked up part is I had no idea, not a clue. Probably was already unhappy in the marriage, after hearing this then it gives him 'freedom' since she doesn't even love him anyways. Don't conflate the two. She did not say this stuff to the OP she said it to her friend and one side of the conversation was overheard without context. I dont know what kind of advice youre looking for. There is a strong chance shes having a mid life crisis. Fuckkk those lyrics really resonate with me, and youre probably correct, If those lyrics resonated the whole song probably will, That Summer Feeling - Johnathan Richman She settled is a a pretty certain statement. Yeah I hear you. Because I swear 99% of the crap that hits the front page is fake as hell. Time to rally your own troops: trained family therapist, divorce lawyer, close friends. Oh come off it. But I got crazy butterflies just thinking about him and he turned me on something fierce. Somehow I think there are deeper issues here to be honest. There are some things that can never be unsaid or unheard.

It was a stupid thing for her to say, and really the only lie is the one she is telling herself, but if you feel like you need to divorce talk to a lawyer and get started, but my take is she just misses the excitement being young and in love and expressed it in a very stupid way. Just get through right now in as healthy a way possible. The people who are saying you are overreacting to one simple comment don't seem to understand that no one is ever reacting to one isolated thing. I'd say that her attitude now doesn't mean that was her attitude the entire marriage - although I sure understand how it feels that way.

Instead of immediately giving up on your whole marriage. I'm feeling a lot of unreality. There is more to the story here and OP isnt disclosing it. It's one of the best things I ever realized. I often wonder what that would be like. Internet, especially reddit is indeed a kind of a mask. It sounds like this was just the final straw.

I knew I liked him a lot but I forgot how crazy I really was lol. She turns me on more than any girl ever had, she is smarter than the vast majority of people, she is humble beyond belief, we have a 15 month old and we still smoke weed and play video games together, she supports me no matter what, she works incredibly hard, she cares about my feelings like no one ever has. Do you honestly believe that talking with someone who has been lying and omitting for 20 goddamn years now that what they lied and omitted for is in danger is going to suddenly magically solve anything? And those are kind of things a lot of people need in a relationship. Your responses strongly suggest you've already made up your mind, so "what do I do?" So in the end, a lot of women are projecting here as well, my dude.

And in truth it nearly ruined me. Not somebody someone settled for. Edit: Read through some comments for perspective and it's kind of heart-breaking to see how many people are down for "throw out the whole wife." That's not a reasonable response at all. You never fantasized about another woman? Who knows. Okay so if she says its not what you think, what is her explanation? One single statement shouldn't end something that worked for 20 years. Dont label your wife as the villain as an excuse to leave your marriage. It's completely understandable to be sad and angry about the state of your marriage right now. (Most of those conversations are privileged, meaning I dont know how you heard what was said about you unless your spouse straight-up told you what they told them.) I don't wanna be a second choice to anybody, especially with a partner that I may potentially marry and spend a whole life with. The funniest thing is I'd do the exact same as him due to my own personal beliefs so I can't really fault him. You let her walk. Yup. Sad situation. "I cannot see anyone staying settled for 20 years". I mean, thats your right, but if youve been happy for 20 years, it seems like theres probably a relationship worth trying to salvage. But not regarding my decision to leave. She says he 'doesn't excite her the way her ex does'. Given the length of time from which it began it's about a person she hasn't seen in quite sometime. It's the same with saying these types of things. Of course all hell broke loose. My guess is that while that may be true, she didn't see that at a priority at the time. Just man up and admit this is what you really want. perfect victim blaming mentality. So it would be helpful for you to figure that out. After all, if the topic of why you split came up you can swear it was her fault, and that if only she had not expressed longing for a past relationship the two of you would still be in wedded bliss. Because to be honest this seems like a pretty small infraction compared the grand scheme of things that can go wrong in a relationship (addiction for example). This is totally fine - people grow apart or we realize it just isn't working.

We dont. There lies the problem. its always omfg dump them lol queen. Which is a reasonable goal, but I don't really understand what that has to do with this situation or your apparent lack of communication with your wife. I mean I feel like there are steps you could take before divorcing her but go off I guess. He didn't want her but screwed around with her. If marriage wasnt hard, there wouldnt be so much heartbreak. She continues to reinforce the idea, saying OP doesn't excite her. It doesn't make sense. Anyone can see it's bullshit. Your feelings matter, too. Then you can decide if they are addressable or not, and stay together or divorce. No amount of excuses at the end will salvage or explain what is already clear as day. The habits of honesty, acceptance and forgiveness where possible are learned, not innate. He didnt mean it THAT way It's not a punishment for the way she feels because she can't help that but I couldn't keep it going knowing we don't feel the same way about each other. I've been married for 16 years and my husband is MY PERSON, my best friend, the dude that I look forward to sharing every damn day and can't wait to see or talk to him to tell him how my day was or listen to his. If you're done with this relationship, you're done. Its pointless. So my ego has been devastated and I really dont know how to handle this. This subreddit really loves this bullshit, jUSt ComMUNicatE. Yeah, you're right in that we honestly can't know based on one conversation. Obviously theres something more here and hes just looking for an out. But if you look at the relationship and the day-to-day is decent, or even good, then this wouldn't be a breaking point. After a while things get less exciting, that's for almost everyone true. It is very difficult to take back words once they are said some words cut and hurt too deep. Never? He meant something to her then clearly! Its a form of abuse which is why youre wtfing hard. Redditors, if you have a problem with your SO, for the love of God address it immediately. This should be ranked higher. The wife is really delusional and has a weird perception of reality. But it isn't about you. Let it go man. No shit. But can you honestly say youve never missed excitement in your life or thought of someone else fondly? Hes now blaming the failed marriage on his wife, but they are both to blame. And lack of sex can feel so rejecting that I understand any of this strongly negative emotions surrounding your response to this. From what Ive been told by friends and family my wife and Tom had a hot and cold volatile relationship and he was not the best to her (cheating, controlling). you could have asked her what she meant by exciting, how have you let her down, and understand that its natural for people to fall apart. Ah, it all makes more sense now. He's not a childhood sweetheart and she was 25. And she viewed all of that as much more important than having someone who's 'exciting'. Communication is hard, but obviously both of you stopped communicating at some point and it became a habit. When you decide to be with someone you should hold nothing back from one another, even after you've said your vows. Who knows. Maybe this is deja by but I have read this exact post before. I know movies and TV make marriage look binary--either a horrible ball and chain or magically magical bs--but marriage is hard, commitment is hard. She used you for someone to be with because Tom wasn't interested. Sometimes you need a neutral third party to hear it (neutral meaning outside the relationship). You will find the person who loves and appreciates you.

You have every right to be upset about that. Makes me think about the internet being people's 'masks.'. It's likely her love for you was/is real and her feeling that she'd settled for you was a passing thought that you were unlucky enough to overhear. Ive gotten backlash on this sub twice now that resulted in me being personally insulted and DMd terrible things. Perhaps a good middle ground for now would be to take a break from each other. Completely and wholeheartedly.

Look at his other comment up above. They were together for 20 years. If someone doesn't want to be married anymore they better have thought it through a little more than we grew apart. Your samw mundane life as you call being brainwashed is getting to you . These fools have no idea how soul crushing that actually is. can anyone say theyve never entertained thought of another? He can't make her love him more. Who knows who else I could of had. Lots of unhealthy relationships go on far longer than they ever should.

Recently I have been doing a lot of self reflecting and found I do this. Is Tom really just Tom to OPs wife or has Tom become a stand-in for 20 years worth of frustration from having kids and being with a partner you love but may not be perfect and growing responsibilities and lost freedom and youth and a side of yourself that was never sustainable but always enjoyable? Humans are fickle creatures, and anybody who's been married for 20 years and claims to have zero regrets is lying. I never said he shouldnt divorce her. Take time to just breathe. (In all honestly, I think you are being a bit hysterical about this.). We're definitely not getting the full picture. Think of all the times you have been talking to your mates about "that ex", "that girl over there" in front of a pint and just be realistic. My husband makes my coffee every morning, even though he doesn't drink any himself, because he's a fucking delightful human being like that and it reminds me why I chose him every day. Everyone settles, people just dont say it out loud. Live YOUR life and do not waste another second with this woman. I agree with this sentiment, but finding out his wife never felt the same way about their marriage and she yearns for another man every day. How can you say that and how can 1.5k people upvote you? We gotta own the words, that we say. You speak the truth and people do not like it. And now youve finally found something you can blow up enough it might get people to pat you on the back and say, congratulations for leaving!. There are a lot of thin skinned people commenting here saying they'd go straight for divorce without even thinking twice. There has to be more to the story. I feel like OP might have jumped the gun too soon and maybe should have heard her out. How do you go through 20 years and 2 kids with someone and still have room to think about a random boyfriend. But that doesn't mean she wasn't in love with you for the last 20 years. I felt awful that I was making her feel like that and crushed that she didnt like me. Reactivity? I see some absolute total dickfaces while poking around the internet, but I never thought about that being their real face. Seriously that.

Will he feel comfortable and secure with her? If thats the case, it should have been communicated to her husband..not the friend! She told him that he was drunk and that no she hadn't told me.

I really feel the relationship is salvageable if they both agree to work on it. Every relationship is about compromise. I feel for this guy. And, his wife was the one knowing subconsciously, thus her remark in that conversation. You can go in decided that you're done with the relationship. It's so easy to be in love with the idea of someone. isn't a huge deal. I can go through with less money. EDIT: Here is a link to some info I have found as I am getting tons of messages from people asking if I have more info. Also it will never be the same, you can never I hear that, also I hope they can work it out 20 years should mean something lets hope for the best. I think its pretty clear that they are both going through a mid life crisis. I think speaking with a marriage counsellor might be worthwhile before committing to this decision. Maybe it was just chemistry or he was just charming, idk. She settled for you? Lets put a pin in that and come back. Things would be different if your kids were young and you wanted to divorce. Why not? There's always an opportunity cost to life. Yeah, that type of conversation would hurt to hear, but to refuse to listen to what she has to say about the conversation is a cop out. What could it mean?! It implies you werent who they truly wanted, youre not really making them happy, and youre always being compared against someone else. IDK man, 20 years is a long time to be pining for an ex. Just because Tom was a better lay and had a bigger dick, he was still the asshole who wouldn't commit or provide security, stability, and regular dick. Right? Weird though, usually the advice in here is like "oh he forgot something important to you that you never made clear was important? she wants excitement? But I just want to offer a different perspective. I was at the bus stop when an old couple sat beside me. Its always rose tinted, and unrealistic, but its hard to think that way in the moment. She lied because she loved you. There is no perfect spouse. It gave voice to what is missing and now the question is, How can you get it back? Its quite an accomplishment and I wouldnt throw it away for one comment. If your spouse was talking about you to their mentor, doctor, counselor, therapist, or clergy, you might need to pump those brakes. I looked for this comment about not being happy in the relationship ever and couldnt find it, but if the op did say this wouldnt it mean he settled too? It it unfair, and if the partner finds out, it can crush them. Exactly. Too many people are being biased towards the "guy" side. You've got one fucking life, so do they.

Everyone is trying as hard as they can to mitigate it for her, hell she could come here for her weak lies about why she said it. Everyone settles, people just dont say it out loud. I don't think this information should have Heck they might even grow from the experience and be a better people as they move on in life. Those were the comments that really got me. And I get that, because it feels like a punch in the stomach. It is a 20 year marriage, of course there is more to it than one incident like this in 20 years but if I overheard that, to know I was still very much second best after 20 years of my life dedicated to you, I'd be utterly devastated. Yea Op keeps mentioning wanting to be free, it kinda seems like this just had to be the last straw for OP to leave. You don't fight for her at all. So you find a reason to blame her.

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Things a i overheard my wife talking about me of thin skinned people commenting here saying they 'd go for... Communicating at some point and it became a habit 19 and 21 and he over it!

That it is unhealthy to compare the person you are with with an ideal mate that you are not with. My wife then said to her, Sweetie, remember its your choice. Oh youre just too sensitive. It's like incel bate. You fucking people probably stay in shit relationships for years, which is why this sub exists in the first place. I don't think anyone here should give that advice on limited information of this incident alone. (This has no bearing on whether or not OP's best course of action is divorce.). She made two statement: 1) She settled. Upvoted just for that. It's romanticizing the past and is something that comes up in therapy a lot. You're acting like OP's divorcing his wife because she was ogling some dude at the beach. I overheard my wife talking to one of her best friends on the phone while I was passing the bedroom. Yeah, pretty much. Ignoring all the bad bits that lead her to not date said ex any more. One of my biggest fears is ending up with someone just "settling" for me because I don't believe in that. Its possible her love language differs from yours.

I would be so devastated. I don't know what is ahead for you, but good luck. Or moved to Hollywood when you had the chance? At least attempt a few counseling sessions as an individual and couple. Stay strong and make the best decision you can in this sort of situation. Lastly it takes two to tango, one person isnt the only reason relationships fall apart, normally its a combination of neglect from both sides towards the others feelings. Its seems like they are both unhappy about this relationship and their lives for a while. No one person is perfect over the long term for any other person, and that's ok. Grow up, Todd. It enabled me to let so much go. It doesn't take someone who has live many years to see the wife's bs in this story. If she's touchy-feely with you and always has been and she initiates sex often and is an enthusiastic partner, then I'd think she was just venting and waxing nostalgic with a friend (which was still a shitty thing to do). I understand that leaving a marriage of 20 years isnt an easy thing, it requires a lot of thought and will power, but I dont believe OP is leaving his wife for no good reason. Then she said he has a really cute small dick, but tries to please. It's easy to see her settling and then staying because the relationship doesn't require much of her and it's an easy life. I think OP needs to be honest with himself and not blame everything on this 1 thing.